“Marriage is a school itself. Also, having children. Becoming a father changed my whole life. It taught me as if by revelation.”- Abraham Maslow
Online physician forums are full of stories of stressed out two-physician households struggling with childcare woes, marriages and the challenge of balancing being a partner, a parent and a professional.
I can attest since I am part of a dual physician household. My wife has her own practice that she started from scratch, until recently I was a full time hospitalists and medical director, and we have three children under the age of seven. Right after my son was born I knew it was time for me to prioritize spending time with my children. Whatever I was doing wasn’t working.
Having children as a two-physician couple can obviously present several challenges:
- Time constraints: Both physicians are likely to have busy and demanding schedules, which can make it difficult to find time for childcare responsibilities. If you’re in a surgical specialty or an anesthesiologist there’s really no way to avoid starting your day super early. In other fields like hospital medicine, where 12 hour shifts are standard, it’s impossible to get home right before dinner. Either way, sometimes it feels like you’re just waking up, going to work, quickly eating with the family and then getting all the kids to bed. And then repeat again the next day. (Sleep train your kids!)
- Work-life balance: Balancing work and family life can be especially challenging for two-physician couples, as most have demanding careers with complex schedules to juggle. When you have children, it’s not only your own well being and happiness that you’re responsible for – but obviously you also have to make sure you’re devoting enough quality time so you’re kids don’t ultimately feel your priorities are misaligned with your Instagram feed of happy family photos.
- Financial considerations: The cost of childcare can be significant (especially if you choose to have nannies/au pairs), and two-physician couples may need to consider whether one parent should reduce their work hours or take a break from their career to care for the children. Some people are lucky enough to have parents close by and healthy enough to help out with a lot of responsibilities.
- Emergency coverage: What happens when the nanny calls out of work, or the school system shuts down because if it once in a 100 year pandemic? I’ve had a close friend tell me he and his spouse had to start calling coworkers to piggyback off their childcare at 630am when their nanny was sick and called out last minute. Not showing up to work wasn’t an option for either of them. This has also been perhaps the biggest stressor during this period for our own household – luckily my Mum is retired and lives 15 minutes away and is our ultimate backup.
- Stress and burnout: Juggling the demands of work and family life in undoubtedly stressful, and two-physician couples may be at higher risk of burnout and mental health issues. Often we take our work home with us and this contributes to burnout.
It is imperative for two-physician couples to communicate openly with each other and to seek support from family and friends to help them navigate these challenges. The important thing to remember is that many people have gone through the same stressful period of their lives and may offer many helpful suggestions.